The Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: You have a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?
The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Officer.
Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.
Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Best Way
Mary loved Tom, but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. "How can I stop Tom from spending so much money on me?"She asked her mother.
"Marry him!"
Dating for Mother
When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he.
One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"
A New Drug 一种新药
Jack:I have invented a new drug which could kill lice effectively.
Tom:That's wonderful. How is it used?
Jack:When you catch a louse, just put a little of that drug on its mouth and it will die immediately.
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse
so she ran out of the house
got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her
"Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap
but when she looked in her cupboard
she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop
because it was very late
so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly
the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪旁有一张画有老鼠的!
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